My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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