I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
