i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
