I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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