Swine flu. Run for my life!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
