plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
