Betty ford says i'm here all night
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
