my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
