sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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