i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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