peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My pussy is not your playground.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
