Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
