riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
