I wish I could teleport
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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