tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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