My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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