Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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