around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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