his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
