True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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