if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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