had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
