Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
