I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
