Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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