I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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