Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
