Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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