Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
