I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
soo... how was my night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
