my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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