Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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