I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
