i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
