Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
