Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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