How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
