im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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