just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
