Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
