remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
