ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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