I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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