Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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