i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
