Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
