FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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