I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
