i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you inspire me to be a worse person
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
