Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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