She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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