rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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